Are you raising the next Olympic athlete?

October 7, 2012 by Leave a Comment

There's an unspoken question among parents when we watch Olympic athletes or successful professional athletes such as Gabby Douglas or the Williams’ sisters. 

Could my child be next?

How are we to know?  Could we be depriving our child of "their" opportunity?  If so which opportunity- soccer, basketball, football, or is it piano, violin, or maybe it’s art, music or dance.  We are blessed with the curse of opportunity.  So many wonderful opportunities.  How do we choose?

In our attempt to expose our children to many opportunities, we can over-expose them to choices and create confusion.

Here are some guidelines to consider the next time you think about signing up for any classes.

  • What are your goals for your family?

There is a saying” If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there”.  Each family needs goals, a sense of purpose, a bigger mission to point towards.  Goals help us to make decisions about what is best for our family in all areas- physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially.

  • Can you afford the time commitment?

Not just the class each week, but the travel time, prep time, and at-home practice time.  The time involved with activities is greater than just the scheduled class or practice time.  There’s also practice time at home.  Not to mention travel time to and from games or performances.

  • What are the most important things your child needs right now?

Assess the needs of your child.  Take into consideration their age, attention span, and their current interests.  If your child is more interested in playing outside with friends than attending his next class, he may be telling you he doesn't need a structured lesson right now- he needs to run and get dirty.

  • Is this “opportunity” about your child, or your own self-interest?
  • Can you afford the financial commitment?
  • Is the coach, teacher, or instructor a person of character and integrity?
  • Is the benefit greater than the missed opportunities?

Missed opportunities = all of the other things that come up that you can’t do because of this activity.  For example, relatives come to visit, but they are only here a couple of days and you have practice schedules to maintain. Or you really want to spend this gorgeous afternoon at the park, but it's time to go to class.

If you have the next amazing athlete or musician, it’s a gift from God to enjoy, not a burden to endure.  If you find yourself burdened with commitments, hoping  your child won’t miss their “thing”, ask yourself if maybe the real thing they are missing is the space to discover their unique gift from God.

Filed Under: Blog, Connect to Purpose, Connect to Your Kids

The Root of All Conflict

September 23, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Does this sound familiar?

Shaunti Feldhahn, a bestselling author, wrote a book entitled “For Women Only”.  In her book she discusses the stereotypical argument when a couple is lost.  The wife suggests the husband ask for directions.  Immediately he gets defensive.  The wife tries harder to help him by pointing out all of the people and places he could stop and get directions. 

He only fumes more with each “suggestion”.  She can’t understand why he’s not asking somebody, anybody for help, and he just wants her to trust him while he figures it out.  Interestingly the wife doesn’t think this is a matter of trust, it’s a matter of being lost.  Round and round they  go, until hopefully they find their destination.

So, what’s really going on?

Shaunti reveals that men believe that when their wife “suggests” they ask for help, what their wives are really saying is, “you can’t do this, but he can, or she can, or anybody can, but you.  So, just ask them, because you are just not capable”.  Whereas women don’t internalize this at all. 

Typically women problem solve out loud.  We think, share, and process information out loud.  So to stop and ask directions is a part of the problem solving process and is in no way a reflection on our intelligence or ability in any way.

In this example, the couple argued over directions, but the real conflict was a deeper issue.  And that is true for all conflict.  Arguments all have fruit, but it’s not settled until we deal with the root.  So if you are experiencing conflict with anyone - your husband, child, neighbor, friend, the only way to settle the issue is to deal with the root and resist the distracting fruit.

Get to the heart of the matter.  Determine to uncover the hidden fear that is working behind the scenes.

Stop!  Look! And Listen!

Do you remember being told that in elementary school?  It was a reminder taught to all children as a caution when crossing railroad tracks.  To prevent accidents they encouraged everyone to stop before crossing, look both ways, and listen for a train.

Who knew that this would also help us deal with conflict in the home.  There are 3 fundamental needs we all share and when they are violated in some way, it is like a train wreck.  It’s better to prevent the accident in the first place, than to have to clean up the aftermath of an unfortunate collision.

 

3 Basic Needs we all share:

  1. We need to know that we are loved and accepted without strings
  2. We need to know that we are valuable, important and capable
  3. We need to know that we are not alone to face life

It's a powerful moment when we deal with the root of conflict.

What about you? Do you find yourself dealing with the fruit instead of the root of conflict?

Filed Under: Blog, Connect to Others, Connect to Purpose, Connect to Your Kids, Home Manager Tips

Reader Question Answered- Tiffany!

September 2, 2012 by Leave a Comment

I received a lot of feedback from article “The Deception of Success”  That topic really seemed to connect with a lot of you.  One reader sent me a question and with her permission I thought I would answer it here, in case others had a similar question.

I invite you to send me questions.  I would love for us to open up a dialogue here!

She wrote:

Good morning, Susan!

I was curious...how did you redirect your feelings in that

moment without showing how you were truly feeling?  That would

be a powerful moment.  Thank you for sharing so specifically!
Tiffany


Great question!

Let me give you a little background.  I used to be an angry mommy.  I used to get in my children’s faces.  I would shout.  I would stare them down.  I had all kinds of ways to show them I was upset.  One day  I encountered the scripture- “The wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God” James 1:20.  God was showing me that no amount of anger would ever cause REAL change to happen in my children’s hearts.   I don’t even think that reaches it.  No amount of anger would cause a REAL godly change to happen in my children’s hearts.  Deep down that’s what I really wanted.  I just didn’t always know how to achieve it, so I would get angry.


I committed before God my desire to stop being an angry mom.

I knew my children deserved better.  And I wanted better for myself.  I didn’t want to scare and intimidate the very people I love and adore.  However those same sweet cherubs could push a button in me that I didn’t even know existed.  I would have never considered myself an angry person, but yet there I was again glaring at my kids.  Tiffany, I needed the Lord to help me!

Through lots of prayer.  Many failings. And advice from friends and mentors I have developed many strategies to cope.

10 ways to redirect your feelings

1. Openly acknowledge that you need help.  I don’t mean that in a philosophical way.  I mean right in the middle of the situation.  When the tension is building,  stop.  Bow your head.  And out loud,  ask for God’s help.

 

2. Ask your child to repeat back what they think you are saying.  In all their getting I encourage my children to get understanding.

 

3. Ask yourself what would serving look like in that moment.  We are usually quite clear on what success would look like, but service takes a whole new focus.

 

4. Take 5.  Go to a new place.  Go outside.  Take a short walk.  Get a drink of water, use the restroom, then come back.

 

5. If time allows, come back to it later.  Whatever is causing the friction, maybe it can be completed at a later time.  It’s okay to put it down and walk away.  "People first then things"- you will hear me say that a lot around my house.

 

6. Find something praise-worthy in my child in that moment.  Praise some character trait I see (or want to see more) in them.  “ I am so proud of your hard work, focus, attentiveness, creativity- as you work on this. “  {{{hug}}}

 

7. Remember that your frustration can last but a moment, but your reaction to your frustration could last a lifetime.

 

8. Physical touch.  Rub their back, hold their hand, sit them on your lap, while you continue to talk to them.  It is harder to be upset while rubbing someone's back or rocking them on your lap.  Physical touch has a way of calming your emotions.

 

9. Ask for another perspective.  It is not uncommon for me to ask my husband or my other children for perspective.  If I am not seeing eye-to-eye with one child, I will ask for input from others.  The family has observed the way I interact.  Am I not speaking clearly?  Am I assuming too much? The key is I ASK for their input.  Caveat- My children are not free to analyze my parenting and share their opinions all wily-nilly.  I love them, but there’s only one mama in the house.  If they have concerns about my management style, I encourage them to pray to God first.  Then if it still needs to be addressed, come and talk to me.  I promise to listen, but that does not mean I will change my mind.

 

10. Don’t forget that conflict is going to happen again and again.  One key to successfully managing conflict is to get a plan together BEFORE the conflict happens.  For example, “ When I feel frustrated with my child,  I will 1. Stop talking. 2. Pray out loud. And 3 share something praise-worthy . “

Tiffany, I hope that gives you a deeper understanding of how to shift from a focus on success to a focus on service.  I champion and applaud you as you become the mom you always wanted to be and the mom your sweet Lacie deserves.

Anyone else?

Send a question.  I will answer it in a future newsletter

Filed Under: Blog, Connect to Others, Connect to Your Kids

The Deception of Success

August 19, 2012 by 4 Comments

This summer I decided to do summer school with my children.

Each morning my children and I met at the kitchen table, 7am sharp.  Not 7:01- 7!  Yes, I am that kind-of mama.  All of my friends’ children hug them and bless them when I share that story.  Anyway, we would have summer school from 7-9am each morning, then breakfast.

My children needed to beef up their math skills.  Math was one subject that really suffered this past school year for everyone.  But one particular child really struggled.

One morning I chose to focus solely on her and helping her grasp multiplication.  This is my fourth time helping a child with multiplication, should be a piece of cake right?  Wrong!

The more I tried to explain the math concepts, the less she understood.  The less she understood the more frustrated I was becoming.  I felt like I was explaining kindergarten concepts to a 3rd grader and making no progress.  Ugh!

This particular child is also very sensitive.  When she senses that I am upset with her, I can forget it, all learning is over.  And I was indeed upset.

You see we were only supposed to be at the table for 2 hours. 

I wanted to focus on her first, but not for the whole table time.  I wanted to help her, but I didn’t intend for it take the entire school session.  So yes I wanted her to understand, but even more I wanted her to get her work done!

Completing her math assignment for the day allowed me to put a check in a box and call it done!  But I had a problem, my daughter did not understand the concept.  She could have put some numbers on a piece of paper, answered some questions, and possibly gotten a few right, but she did not understand the process.

I wanted to have a successful day of summer school and that meant completing this math assignment.  I was deceived.

My priorities were all out of whack.  The goal of completing an assignment became a higher priority than my daughter.  Finishing the task took precedent over her lack of understanding.  My timetable refused to make space for her to get detailed explanation she desperately needed.

This is not the first time.  There have been times where my success was defined as a clean home, an organized desk, a completed to-do list, a whirl wind errand list, you name it!  I had made my mind up and I was set on accomplishing my goal and achieving success meant completing my list.  Have you ever been there?

Let's commit as moms to service over success.

Let's ask, how can I best serve my family right now.

Maybe we could even shift success to mean when we best serve the needs of the person God has placed in front of us right now.  Then we are free to trust Him with the time to complete the tasks we desire to complete.

Let's choose service as the best form of success!

Filed Under: Blog, Connect to Others, Connect to Purpose, Connect to Your Kids

The Real Power of Leadership

August 5, 2012 by 4 Comments

All of us are subject to view authority as our moment to be the boss for a change, while missing the real power of being a leader.  Any false idea of leadership could potentially ruin relationships and break the ties within a family.

Authority has 2 critical parts:
1.    Trust
2.    Service

If  you are in a position of authority you must accept these  two vital parts of your position.  Without fostering trust and without actively serving, your greatest potential is lost.  On the surface it may seem that you are in control or that you are a leader, but the truth is you are a leader in name only.

Clues that you are not leading well:

Your family does not respect you

Your requests go unnoticed or unheeded

You resort to yelling to get your point across

You use shame as a motivation tool

You resort to sarcasm to mask your frustrations and anger

All of these are signs that your leadership is suffering.  In order to restore you the mother, to the position of leadership God intended, you must go back to the basics.  Build trust. & Serve your family well.

I do NOT recommend that you tell them to trust you.  That is not going to work. Trust is earned, you cannot demand it.   I also do not recommend that you announce all the ways that you serve you family and how ungrateful they are- that’s no good too.

Instead try this.  Start looking for ways that you can build the bridge of trust.  One thing, depending on your kids’ ages, is you might just ask them.  Have I done something that has caused you not to trust me?  Have I promised to do something and then didn’t do it?
If  they are too young or don’t provide you with good answers, no problem.  Start making commitments to do things with them.  What are some things that they have been asking you to do with them?  Go someplace, read a book, play a game, come outside?  Commit to do it, and then don’t let anything stop you from honoring the commitment you made to them.

Pay attention to them.  Stop what you are doing.  Remember the training we got in elementary school stop-look-listen.  Who knew we could use it as moms ?!  Make eye contact with them.  Boys may interpret constant eye contact as threatening, but if you do it from time-to-time, it let's them know you are listening.

Acknowledge their feelings and opinions.  They may feel scared, alone, or excited, and giddy and no matter what they are feeling you don't share their emotion.  While they are bursting into tears, you look at the situation and can't seem to figure our what is the matter.  Instead of attempting to change their mood, acknowledge it instead.

Let’s talk about serving.

I know what you are thinking, I can’t possibly do anything more for my family.  If  I do any more, I will implode.  Hold on.  I am not asking you to do more, I am asking you to only do what matters.  You may be doing things, actually I am certain you are doing a ton of things for your family, but that may not matter TO you family.

You may be running around to soccer games, swim meets, playdates, and more, but none of those things truly matter to your children.  They may enjoy them, but if you stopped going, they wouldn’t mind.

They may even be giving you clues about what matters to them.  Do they resist you when it’s time for soccer practice, but you couldn’t tear them away from their legos?  Do they constantly run through the house, but you can’t get them to sit still for music lessons?  It’s possible that what you have planned for them is a dis-service to who they are and what they need.  In all of your efforts to do things for them, they miss the mark of communicating loving service.

Remember that authority is only as strong as the trust and service that come with it.  Your family deserves leadership that is based on trust and undergird with service.

Share your thoughts, I would love to hear them.

Filed Under: Blog, Connect to Others, Connect to Purpose, Connect to Your Kids

It’s time to pull the weeds?

July 30, 2012 by Leave a Comment

 

I had an agenda.  I planned to feed everyone breakfast and then head outside to pull some weeds from the flower beds around the front of our house.  We had allowed to yard to get a little out of control and it was time to whip it back into shape.

As we finished breakfast though, I sensed there was something going on with my oldest children.  I couldn’t put my finger on it, but things were not right.  I asked them what was up, but their answers were- Nothin’

Not satisfied with that answer I asked again in a slightly different way.  I asked- “Is anyone feeling frustrated by someone or something?”  Anyone wish they could put on some boxing gloves and go coco loco and then you would feel all better?”  That did it.  First one daughter mentioned she was irritated with one of her sisters.  Then another sister mentioned she too was bothered.

We talked about the root of their frustrations.  We brainstormed ways to communicate with one another to prevent misunderstandings and hard feelings.  They even came up with a strategy to lessen their frustration with one another.  Later I got the chance to hear how I sometimes contribute to their issues and how I could better serve them.

By the time we finished our long conversation I realized that the plan to pull weeds had a deeper meaning than I realized.  I thought the plan was to pull weeds in the yard, but the plan was to pull them first out of our hearts.

 

What weeds have taken root at your home?
Is it time to pull them up?

Filed Under: Connect to God, Connect to Others, Connect to Your Kids
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